Peer Evaluation for 20505 Kim Yeonji(Week 14)

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Grade

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

I think it deserves 4 points. It needs more improved confirmation and refutation.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

Improve her 'confirmation' and 'refutation and concession' part.

Thesis

What is the thesis?

We should not blame and discriminate against them without knowing their true values.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?

It was clear. Also, it was debatable. I have also seen lots of people who discriminate fat women.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Same. I love this part 'without knowing their true values'.

Any other thoughts?

She reflected feedback that teacher gave her for her 1st draft (except confirmation part).

And she often wrote sentence without 'verb'.

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

I can, but I think there's no confirmation part. Confirmation part that she wrote is still narration, I think.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?

Yes, she wrote well. I love her first question 'Do you hate watch beautiful people, animals, flowers and songs?' ('watch songs' is not correct, anyway..) It makes me interested in what she is going to say in this article.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes, she wrote this part in objective view. There are both positive opinions and negative opinions about this topic. It is really helpful for readers to understand current situation.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

I don't think so. There's no supporting reasons that support her thesis. I feel it's still narration. She needs more improved confirmation.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?

Yes, I love her 1st argument. However, I can't understand 2nd one. Why can't innate characteristics be the competitiveness of job applicants? Talent can also be innate characteristics. Also, appearance can be changed by our efforts. I think she need more explanation for her 2nd one. Likewise, 3rd one needs more supporting reasons. I think these two arguments are insufficient than 1st one.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?

Yes, but I want to suggest her to add why sticking to appearances are bad in one or two sentences.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

CONFIRMATION!

Persuasion

When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I agree.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I agree.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

(I did not change my mind.)

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

Enhance 2nd and 3rd arguments of 'refutation and concession' part. Please, prove why opponents' arguments are wrong.

Research

Is the author using research effectively?

Yes, but 'many professors' that she cited in 'confirmation' part is not appropriate to confirmation. It is rather proper for narration.

Is the research from appropriate sources?

Yes, but 'a scientist' is who? And 'some' Internet communities are what communities? I think specific sources of them are needed.

Are the sources obvious?

Yes.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

Yes.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

2nd and 3rd arguments of refutation and concession part needs more evidence.

Peer Evaluation for 20504 Kwon Eunjeong (Week 14)

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Grade

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

It deserves 4 points. She needs to improve her refutation.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

Improving the refutation part will help her.

Thesis

What is the thesis?

In the global age, cultural industry is the best way to promote future development of South Korea.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?

It is clear and debatable.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Same.

Any other thoughts?

As a student who is interested in cultural diplomacy, I think it is a good subject (cultural industry) :D

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

Yes. Because of conjunctions she wrote, I could find them easily.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?

Yes. 'There are some hints near us.' This catches my attention.

Also, it comfortably leads to the thesis.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes. Also, she divided them in three parts; culture, cultural industry and cultural industry in South Korea. It was good.

But, if I have one thing to be desired, I want her to write 'the other ways' to promote South Korea. To persuade people that cultural industry is the best way, she needs to write the other ways to compare with.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

Not that much. She didn't gave us supporting reason why it is 'the best' way to promote future development of South Korea.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?

Well, I don't think so. The opponents argument was "The culture industry not so much adapts to the reactions of its customers as it counterfeits them. In addition all cultural industries are quite authoritarian, standardized, not democratic and diverse." However. she only said, the problem that cultural industries are sometimes used for politics or mass deception is the problem of the government, not the problem of cultural industries.

Also, she didn't refute the argument that there are also some people who argue that Korea needs advance in another part rather than cultural industry.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?

Yes.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

Well, she wrote well.

Persuasion

When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I agree but not 'fully' agree.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I don't agree that much.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

(I didn't change my mind because she didn't mention why cultural industry is 'the best' way to promote future development of South Korea.)

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

She has to give supporting reasons why cultural industry is 'the best' way to promote future development of South Korea.

Research

Is the author using research effectively?

Yes.

Is the research from appropriate sources?

Yes. Most of them were professionals or official organization.

Are the sources obvious?

Yes.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

Yes.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

I think it's enough.