Peer Evaluation for 20504 Kwon Eunjeong (Week 14)

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Grade

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

It deserves 4 points. She needs to improve her refutation.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

Improving the refutation part will help her.

Thesis

What is the thesis?

In the global age, cultural industry is the best way to promote future development of South Korea.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?

It is clear and debatable.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Same.

Any other thoughts?

As a student who is interested in cultural diplomacy, I think it is a good subject (cultural industry) :D

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

Yes. Because of conjunctions she wrote, I could find them easily.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?

Yes. 'There are some hints near us.' This catches my attention.

Also, it comfortably leads to the thesis.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes. Also, she divided them in three parts; culture, cultural industry and cultural industry in South Korea. It was good.

But, if I have one thing to be desired, I want her to write 'the other ways' to promote South Korea. To persuade people that cultural industry is the best way, she needs to write the other ways to compare with.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

Not that much. She didn't gave us supporting reason why it is 'the best' way to promote future development of South Korea.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?

Well, I don't think so. The opponents argument was "The culture industry not so much adapts to the reactions of its customers as it counterfeits them. In addition all cultural industries are quite authoritarian, standardized, not democratic and diverse." However. she only said, the problem that cultural industries are sometimes used for politics or mass deception is the problem of the government, not the problem of cultural industries.

Also, she didn't refute the argument that there are also some people who argue that Korea needs advance in another part rather than cultural industry.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?

Yes.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

Well, she wrote well.

Persuasion

When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I agree but not 'fully' agree.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I don't agree that much.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

(I didn't change my mind because she didn't mention why cultural industry is 'the best' way to promote future development of South Korea.)

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

She has to give supporting reasons why cultural industry is 'the best' way to promote future development of South Korea.

Research

Is the author using research effectively?

Yes.

Is the research from appropriate sources?

Yes. Most of them were professionals or official organization.

Are the sources obvious?

Yes.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

Yes.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

I think it's enough.

Second Draft (Week 13)

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   When you turn on the TV or search the Internet, what can you see? You can see lots of articles about Korean wave. Even in the Western press, we can see some articles about it. The Korean Wave fired through the world such as China, Japan, France and so on. To introduce our unique culture and improve Korean wave, lots of institutions starts conducting cultural diplomacy. Even, it not only simply makes Korea popular but also vitalizes export of agricultural products. If we only see this circumstance, we can easily delude that Korean wave spreads in desirable way. However, we need more critical view to see through the problem of it. Through this consideration, we can also realize the big problem of cultural diplomacy in a broad perspective. I believe that Korean wave has problem and Korean cultural diplomacy should solve this problem.

   At first, it is important to fully understand what diplomacy is. How much do you know about diplomacy? Maybe most of the people only recall something abstract or stuffy to their mind. For example, when someone asks them "Do you know what diplomats do?", they will answer "Well, it only has to do with government and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. I don't know well but maybe diplomats have diplomatic conferences with other nations' diplomats, right?" How abstract and stuffy. Like this, for the general public, diplomacy seems quite distant and they never think it lightly. That's because they usually bring 'traditional diplomacy' to their mind. However, their viewpoint is an old one. As time goes by, diplomacy also have changed. In the past, there was only traditional diplomacy. But, now, there is a new type of diplomacy, which uses soft power, which is power that makes opponents be attracted spontaneously by appeal not compulsion. We need to distinguish these two types of diplomacy. First, traditional diplomacy is diplomacy which uses hard power. It has government as the subject of diplomacy. We can define its format of communication as Closed Negotiation. Compared to traditional diplomacy, cultural diplomacy has Open Communication. It is interactive and uses various digital media like Internet, SNS and so on. For reference, we have to distinguish cultural diplomacy from public diplomacy. Understanding public diplomacy is important to know what cultural diplomacy is. It is still controversial to exactly define them until now, but typically it is considered that public diplomacy includes cultural diplomacy. Public diplomacy refers diplomacy which strengthen leverage of Korea by improving the image and brand power of Korea, and improve diplomatic relations by developing a bond of sympathy on our history, traditions, culture, policy. The key point of public diplomacy is to win the hearts and minds of people. There are three big contributors that made public diplomacy appear; after 911 terror, limitation of hard power was revealed; general public appeared as main agents of diplomacy and people power was on the rise; new media such as social media and social network services made rapid progress. In this essay, I especially focused on cultural diplomacy, not public diplomacy.

   After understanding these two types of diplomacy, we need to analyze the diffusion aspect of Korean wave. Korean wave is also a kind of cultural diplomacy that Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs conducts.

   When it comes to diffusion trend of Korean wave, it is easy to confuse that we, Korean conduct cultural diplomacy in a desirable way. Then does cultural diplomacy in Korea is really well conducted? No. I'd like to point out main problems of Korean cultural diplomacy with the example of Korean wave.

   First, we excessively compel foreigners to experience Korean culture. Thanks to widespread Korean culture, more and more foreigners visits Korea. According to Shanghai Korean News, 2014 recorded 38% increase in the number of Chinese visitors, compared to 2013. Also, Hongkong visitors recorded 43% increase, Russian recorded 26% increase, and Taiwanese recorded 24% increase. In addition, many foreign stars visits Korea, but everytime we excessively ask them to eat Kimchi or dance PSY's Horse-riding dance and they showed their displeasure with it. This can rather give them bad image of Korean culture. We have to give them opportunity to naturally experience our culture. When it comes to this problem, we have one more thing that we should consider. Do we have enough programs to satisfy foreigners? We only forces them to experience our culture and we don't have enough programs that foreigners want. As many people know, Korean drama '대장금' became internationally famous, especially in China and it was even diffused through Africa. After watching this drama and the drama named ‘허준’, an Iraqi became interested in Korean medicine and decided to visit Korea. The problem was that he wanted to stay in Gyeongbokgung Palace. Like him, many foreigners want to feel Korean culture. However, there's no enough facilities to let them stay in Korean traditional building. Of course, there are guest houses like Jeonju Han-ok Village, but the problem is that there's no such facilities in capital area and its service can't surpass services of Hotel. Thus, we need to focus on Korean culture that foreigners are interested in and to provide them with decent program that can maintain their interest.

   Second, Korean cultural diplomacy tend to depend on Korean wave, and it rely entirely on the entertainment world, especially on K-Pop. However, it makes big problem. As we can see from the news, nowadays many TV stars are on the news because of their corruption. It is a deathblow to the image of Korea. If we continuously only rely on the entertainment world, we can't overcome the destructive results and it becomes hard to maintain foreigners interest on Korea. Therefore, it is very important to develop various field of Korean culture such as traditional food, cultural assets, fashion and so on.

In addition, a big problem of Korean wave is that it only focuses on 'visual fun'. Of course, it is important to consider fun or interest. However, Korean wave exceed the bounds. 'Study on sexuality depicted in music programs for adolescents on three network television channels' points out this problem. According to this study, actually people does not tries to solve the problem. This is the serious problem in Korea. Then, why isn't it problem in other countries? Excessively suggestive and seductive performance can make them frown. To make desirable Korean culture, we have to think about whether it is right or not and try to solve the problem.

   

   Of course, it is true that Korean cultural diplomacy has big positive effects on brand power of Korea. Some people can say that Korean wave is already successive and is already famous all over the world. However, that's because all PRESS reports only its high stature. If he or she read a news article titled "Super Junior is topping the charts of Taiwan for 60 weeks", they may argue that popularity of Super Junior is great. However, it is not true. In fact, it was charts 'for k-pop and j-pop' that Super Junior topped.

                                           

                       

   These are the title of news articles and they all involve exaggerated reports. Like the example that I mentioned, exaggerated reports confuse us to think that every foreigners love Korean culture. I acknowledge that it is natural that people can be confused because they can get information about Korean wave only through Korean press. However, I think that people themselves should try to read them critically and not to be deceived by an exaggeration.

   Any developed countries in the world regard their culture as a massive wave. However, Korean think that Korean culture is the center of the world. According to press in Korea, Korean wave is really famous all over the world, but it is not true. We have to correctly analyze the materials related to Korean wave and critically think about how to improve Korean cultural diplomacy and how to use it to lead Korean wave to right way. Also, furthermore, I hope we can make this exaggeration real.

   

   As cultural diplomacy, a new type of diplomacy comes into the spotlight, it is important to gravely consider how should we conduct it. If we only focused on the good point of cultural diplomacy in Korea, it can't develop. It is important to acknowledge the problem of it and to improve it. One suggestion that I want to recommend is making alternative culture that foreigners can enjoy. I don't think we can get benefit from Korean wave forever. Utilizing various assets and inventing more interesting cultural program for foreigners is important. Also, simply relying on Korean wave is not enough. We need to improve some diplomatic technology to satisfy foreigners interest toward it. That's the key point for desirable cultural diplomacy.

Bibliography

http://www.mofa.go.kr/main/index.jsp

http://www.publicdiplomacy.go.kr/introduce/public.jsp

http://blog.naver.com/yoongbi/164498530

http://blog.naver.com/hgb925/110181748778

http://blog.naver.com/kois913/10130259878

http://blog.naver.com/mentshin/50161123296

http://www.kf.or.kr/?menuno=134

http://blog.naver.com/golden_lee/40190671807

http://blog.naver.com/battlcar/220151455810

http://blog.naver.com/ingsksm/20207422421

http://blog.naver.com/shkonews/220178293751

Study on sexuality depicted in music programs for adolescents on three network television channels'

http://goham20.com/983

http://ent.hankyung.com/news/app/newsview.php?aid=2014091610374

Self evaluation for first draft (Week 11)

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1) What score do you think you deserve? Here is the rubric:

2 points - The first draft is thoughtful and a good start to an effective persuasive essay. It demonstrates an understanding of the classical argument.

1 point - The student completes a first draft that demonstrates an understanding of the classical argument

0 points - The first draft is inadequate

I think I deserve 1 point. My organization fits in classical argument but I need more research. I know that I didn't find enough materials. (It was hard to find them..) Therefore I think I need to strengthen my 'confirmation' part for my persuasive essay. 

2) What did you do well?

I give actual examples that can be easily understood. Also, statistics from Makiind, professional company of social media branding, makes my essay more reliable. 

Arguments are based off of opinions and personal feelings.

3) What could you have done better?

Research. It was hard to find enough research to support my statement.

However, if I invest more time, I could find more study related to it or statistics.

4) Which part of the classical argument did you use the best?

My narration was good. I divided it into two part; SNS and diplomacy.

It helps understanding their definition. Also, I explained how they can be connected.

5) Which part of the classical argument did you use the most poorly?

Confirmation. I need more research to support my statement.

Refutation part was also not that good. To be more persuasive, I had to find more opinion of opponents and try to refute them.

6) What's your strategy to make your second draft better?

I have to make my thesis statement more persuasive. To achieve it, modifying the thesis statement or changing it is needed. Maybe I will change it into 'Korean wave, a kind of Korean cultural diplomacy, has problem' and it also related to cultural diplomacy like thesis statement in first draft. 

First Draft

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   How much do you know about diplomacy? Maybe most of people only recall something abstract or stuffy to their mind. For example, when someone asks them "Do you know what diplomats do?", they will answer "Well, it only has to do with government and the Ministry of Foreign Affair. I don't know well but maybe diplomats have diplomatic conferences with other nations' diplomats, right?" How abstract and stuffy. Like this, for the general public, diplomacy seems quite distant. However, after Social Network Service, so-called SNS, appeared, it has largely changed. SNS gradually closes the distance between diplomacy and the general public who originally did not have interests on diplomacy. However, there is also concerns that SNS can effect negatively to diplomacy and interrupt it. So, in this situation, we have to ask "Does SNS really work as a diplomatic tool?", "Is SNS an effective means for Korean diplomacy?". 

   At first, it is important to fully understand what diplomacy is and what SNS is. People are often confused that they already know them well. However, to understand the function of SNS in diplomacy, we have to study something more fundamental.

   As I said, many people think diplomacy as abstract and stuffy thing. However, their view point is an old one. As time goes by, diplomacy also changed. In the past, there was only traditional diplomacy called hard diplomacy. But, now, there is a new type of diplomacy, which use soft power such as media, cultural exchange and so on. When we consider this new type of diplomacy, we must come up with SNS. SNS is short for Social Network Service and it has high accessibility, various information and is global and universal web-service. The viewpoints of SNS is divided into five. The first one is a standpoint that considers SNS as a tool of computer mediation communication. The second one is about social relation network. The third one is about subject for study of computer utilization. The forth and last one is considering it as a mean of marketing and the place of exerting influence. And what I want to focus on is the last two viewpoints. As there are lots of viewpoints about SNS, people's attention toward it is also increasing.

   According to Makiind, professional company of social media branding, about 2.4 billion people are users of the Internet. Especially in Korea, about 82.5% of Korean use the Internet. Not only the Internet users but also smart phone users are enormous; over 60% of Korean uses smart phone. The important thing is that, according to Ministry of Public Administration and Security, these users usually do exchange activities such as SNS with their smart phone. As we can see, because of development of technology, people started to live in information communicative machines.

After we consider these two concepts, we can think about my argument 'Social Network Service, so-called SNS, is an effective tool for diplomacy of Korea.'

   Then how does it help diplomacy? As I already said, we are living in plentiful information. This means that people can easily access to SNS. Everyone can get various information that they want to know. This advantage can also be accepted in diplomacy. In the past, the image of diplomacy was not that good. People don't know what diplomats do and they feel sense of distance from diplomacy. However, SNS can solve such prejudice. For example, there are lots of page in Facebook. These are made by organization related to diplomacy such as Culture Affairs Bureau of Mofa, Development Cooperation Bureau of Mofa, Korean Cultural Center, Korea Brand Forum and so on. They made their own SNS Page to reduce the distance between them and public. And SNS is the best way to accomplish their purpose because it has high accessibility. Whenever and wherever people can access to their page and get information freely. I think making public be interested in diplomacy is helpful for development of diplomacy of Korea.

   SNS also can be an important route to introduce Korean culture to foreigners. For example, in Youtube, there are lots of videos related to Korea. Because we don't have to pay or log in when we enjoy SNS, everyone can easily enjoy various information. This function cannot be carried by traditional diplomacy. Only when we use SNS, we can introduce our country and culture more rapidly and widely than when we only use traditional diplomacy. In addition, there's nothing better than SNS that can be indirect experience space. When diplomats want to introduce our culture and country to other countries, they have to go abroad or invite foreigners to Korea. It costs a lot. However, when they use SNS, there's no worrying about financial problem. 

   Because of the high accessibility and the features that everyone can post the article, many people are worrying that the information from SNS is inaccurate and it can rather give negative image of Korea to foreigners. However, these problems can be easily solved. The opponents don't have to worry about that. Nowadays, many organizations realized early that the power of SNS is enormous and they know the advantages of promotion with SNS. Therefore, many of them are already expanding their fields to SNS and actively use it.

For example, there are lots of SNS official Facebook Page made by these organization. Because these Pages are run by them, reliability of information from there is high. Not only in Facebook but also in Youtube, there are lots of official Channel run by these national organization. They make video about what they do and various information that public and foreigners wonder. Also, I think that the more SNS develops, the more information became accurate. Therefore, their argument that information from SNS is so inaccurate that we can't use it for diplomacy is wrong.

   As the utilization rate of SNS is dramatically increasing, it is important to gravely consider the function of it. Also, it is critical to consider how to utilize SNS in an effective way and using it in diplomacy is one of the examples of this. I think SNS is an effective tool for diplomacy of Korea. If people acknowledge my argument, we can improve our diplomacy with SNS more effectively than before. It is not a good choice to get rid of SNS from diplomacy. Potentiality of diplomacy when using SNS, is large. If people effectively reflect strong points of SNS and solve the wrong point of SNS, we can enhance our national image and solve the problem of diplomacy. I will emphasis the effectiveness of using SNS. All of us, Korean, may have an desire to widely introduce Korea and our culture to abroad. To achieve your desire, using SNS will be helpful.

Conclusion of First Draft (Week 10)

CONCLUSION

5. Conclusion, which provides a strong conclusion, amplifying the force of the argument,  and showing the readers that this solution is the best at meeting the circumstances.

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   1. Reference your narration and issues. Remind your readers why your issue is interesting or important
       and try to show why your thesis is the best solution or idea.
   2. Suggest your argument’s larger significance or long-range impact.
   3. Give the readers a psychological sense of closure.



 As the utilization rate of SNS is dramatically increasing, it is important to gravely consider the function of it. Also, it is critical to consider how to utilize SNS in an effective way and using it in diplomacy is one of the examples of this. I think SNS is an effective tool for diplomacy of Korea.

 If people acknowledge my argument, we can improve our diplomacy with SNS more effectively than before. It is not a good choice to get rid of SNS from diplomacy. Potentiality of diplomacy when using SNS, is large. If people effectively reflect strong points of SNS and solve the wrong point of SNS, we can enhance our national image and solve the problem of diplomacy.I will emphasis the effectiveness of using SNS.

 All of us, Korean, may have an desire to widely introduce Korea and our culture to abroad. To achieve your desire, using SNS will be helpful.

Refutation and Concession of First Draft (Week 9)

REFUTATION and CONCESSION

4. Refutation and Concession, which looks at opposing viewpoints to the writer’s claims, anticipating objections from the audience, and allowing as much of the opposing viewpoints as possible without weakening the thesis.


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1. Anticipate their arguments. 
2. Create strong counterarguments.
3. Strengthen your persuasive argument. 

START

1. What is my thesis?
Social Network Service, so-called SNS, is an effective tool for diplomacy of Korea.

2. What is the opposite position?
Opponents think that SNS rather harm diplomacy with their inaccurate information and indiscriminate prevalence.

3. What arguments can I anticipate?
SNS provide us with inaccurate information.

SNS users are non professional.

It is not desirable to accept all information from the Internet.

4. How will I counter those arguments?

 If we carefully choose and accept information, it is easy to solve.

 Also, there are lots of accurate information from professional such as Facebook  Page  made by national diplomatic organization and so on.

My Refutation and Concession

 Because of the high accessibility and the features that everyone can post the article, many people are worrying that the information from SNS is inaccurate and it can rather give negative image of Korea to foreigners.

 However, these problems can be easily solved. The opponents don't have to worry about that. Nowadays, many organizations realized early that the power of SNS is enormous and they know the advantages of promotion with SNS. Therefore, many of them are already expanding their fields to SNS and actively use it. For example, there are lots of SNS official Facebook Page made by these organization. Because these Pages are run by them, reliability of information from there is high. Not only in Facebook but also in Youtube, there are lots of official Channel run by these national organization. They make video about what they do and various information that public and foreigners wonder. Also, I think that the more SNS develops, the more information became accurate.

 Therefore, their argument that information from SNS is so inaccurate that we can't use it for diplomacy is wrong.

Confirmation of First Draft (Week 8)

CONFIRMATION

3. The confirmation, which lays out in a logical order (usually strongest to weakest or most obvious to most subtle) the claims that support the thesis, providing evidence for each claim.

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1. What is my thesis?

Social Network Service is an effective tool for diplomacy of Korea.

2. What types of source am I using to defend my thesis? 

I am using expert's opinion and practical examples.

3. Are my arguments mostly based on evidence, logic or emotion?

My argument is based on analysis, related facts and practical examples. 

But, I didn't appeal with emotion.

My Confirmation

 Then how does it help diplomacy?

 As I already said, we are living in plentiful information. This means that people can easily access to SNS. Everyone can get various information that they want to know. This advantage can also be accepted in diplomacy. In the past, the image of diplomacy was not that good. People don't know what diplomats do and they feel sense of distance from diplomacy. However, SNS can solve such prejudice. For example, there are lots of page in Facebook. These are made by organization related to diplomacy such as Culture Affairs Bureau of Mofa, Development Cooperation Bureau of Mofa, Korean Cultural Center, Korea Brand Forum and so on. They made their own SNS Page to reduce the distance between them and public. And SNS is the best way to accomplish their purpose because it has high accessibility. Whenever and wherever people can access to their page and get information freely. I think making public be interested in diplomacy is helpful for development of diplomacy of Korea.

 SNS also can be an important route to introduce Korean culture to foreigners. For example, in Youtube, there are lots of videos related to Korea. Because we don't have to pay or log in when we enjoy SNS, everyone can easily enjoy various information. This function cannot be carried by traditional diplomacy. Only when we use SNS, we can introduce our country and culture more rapidly and widely than when we only use traditional diplomacy. In addition, there's nothing better than SNS that can be indirect experience space. When diplomats want to introduce our culture and country to other countries, they have to go abroad or invite foreigners to Korea. It costs a lot. However, when they use SNS, there's no worrying about financial problem.